Some steps forward

I got a lot of graded work back in my reading class earlier. For assignments like short essays or long answer questions, my teacher writes comments instead of putting in a number grade and that is fine. I got positive comments on those assignments. My other stuff wasn't so good, like with a 19 out of 25 and stuff... though, instead of beating myself up over it I thought "Huh, well I'll try harder next time."

I actually felt optimistic and determined to do better instead of instantly giving up. That was too much of a bad habit in the past and terrible mindset but things are starting to slowly turn around. I still have more to do to change my attitude, but (at least) with this teacher I am not as scared.

Right now I have a general feeling of ickinesss all up in my head and stomach though, but not from stress or worry. I hope to feel better in the morning.

As for other things, it's been really fucking rainy and windy here today and right now. It sounds pretty spooky. Though, when I was on campus for my morning class, the sound of the rain alone made me feel stupidly happy. It sounded refreshing (until mom was driving me home and cut her speed down by 15 mph because it was also dangerous).

Mom doesn't know that I've read an old journal of hers that she hasn't written in for years. At the beginning, she mentioned my older sister and I, and I guess my other two siblings whom I have not met because they were never born. I've been aware of these two siblings for most of my life but their absence hasn't effected my life as much as Nicole's absence has.

I haven't even talked about my other two siblings with my closest friends, which now I'm beginning to realize is a little odd.

The order of things is as follows: Nicole was born first, then mom and dad had separated for a little while. In that time, mom had a boyfriend and was still doing drugs. They concieved a kid but broke up and mom had an abortion. The amount of drugs that she was doing at the time would have meant an unhealthy child and she (Mom sensed it was a girl) was also from this other relationship sooo... yeah. Her and dad got back together and went to rehab.
The third child, a boy, was lost in a miscarriage.
I came seven years after Nicole was born, and that was the last of the kids in the family.

Now I really am the remaining one since Nicole passed away in 2001 and hm...
I can't really imagine having a life where there would be two more older siblings around. By this time they would probably be living on their own, but the time after Nicole died would have probably felt a little less lonely. There would be a collective sibling grief going on.

They could be a part of my identity, but I see my lost brother and sister as part of the identity of my family as a whole. They are definitely part of my mom and dad's identities and they're a part of the past of my life before it was mine. Without having known them, how do I go about talking about them?

This also brings in a question I wonder about a lot: what do I say when people ask me if I have siblings? In the physical sense, I don't anymore. Saying that I don't have any doesn't feel truthful though.
Lastly, if I say "yes, one deceased" that addresses Nicole but not the other two. Also bringing up such a serious topic when meeting someone for the first time makes the conversation really awkward. It doesn't hurt to talk about Nicole's cancer or death, but it is just awkward. What was once a pleasant conversation suddenly turned serious and wide eyes are on me. Aries are supposed to love attention but that just doesn't sit well with me. Plus, after I am done talking it tends to be silent for a long moment before I bring up a different topic to try to get the conversation feeling light hearted again.

Wow, I just realized this whole thing is a tangent. I was talking about the rain and my mom's journal and what I meant to continue with is that mom wrote in quotes (as in a nickname) next to my name "Rain Child". This has been a silent mystery to me for a few years now. I was born on a sunny and mild saturday and it was always Nicole that talked about how she loved the rain and all, so how did I come about to be known as Rain Child to my mom? On top of that, she's never called me that before so the meaning of that to her makes me insanely curious, but asking about it means revealing I also looked at that journal.
There wasn't much else written in there besides the names though.

Merr. Nonetheless, the sound of the rain brought the name Rain Child back to me again and that isn't entirely innacurrate. I love the climate of Washington rather than southern California and the stupid happiness from just walking to get to the car could me my *own* meaning for this mysterious nickname.